Will You Believe the Lies?

The thief comes to kill, steal, and destroy….

How can I question everything God has laid out for me?  I wish it was a simple answer, but sometimes in a spiritual battle, it is never simple and definitely not easy. This all started last Saturday night at church when I received a word from God. Well, a few more than one honestly, from God to give to someone and instead of being obedient and giving it to that person I knew who to give it to, I panicked and gave it to another person so they could do it for me and in that instance the person did not receive that word at that moment because of my disobedience. Starting that night after church the enemy took advantage and place guilt, shame, and embarrassment, and placed lies in my head and when all that happened I tried to pick myself up, but I found myself throwing myself down instead with the image of not giving those words that persons directly, and it kept playing over and over and over again in my head. By now the enemy has filled me with so much regret and because of that I silence the Holy Spirit inside me for a week and with that silence happened bitterness, which rose up inside me with unforgiveness for wrongs that were not even happening to me but scenarios the enemy placed in my head and when that happened I fell into some old habits things that God knows and has forgiven me for, and have asked for His forgiveness. I held onto all of it all week until tonight, I listen to the wrong voice, and I knew I was in trouble, I knew the voice that was coming to me was not of God‘s because it became out of hate and distraction, this voice came to kill, steal, and destroy. All this came to happen because I allowed that torture to happen because I allowed those false tongues to speak, so I gave in to old bad habits and though I reached out to God, I never felt so far away from Jesus. Tonight I knew I couldn’t fight this battle alone and I stepped up for prayer.

So what happens when you know you’re in the right place in your heart with God yet, the enemy comes in at so fierce that you question everything? You think you are doing everything right reading your Bible, listening to worship music, reading good books, Christian Podcasts, not watching or reading anything that’s not of God, just trying to feed me spiritually; yet the enemy still comes in with such a ferocity that you feel as timid as a little mouse. So, that WAS me for over a week now.

The funny thing about complete surrender, things change and they change radically. This Saturday night, I was crying out God give me something let me know you’re there do you even see me. It took so much for me to step up and get that prayer my feet were obeying God, my mind was protesting, then the Holy Spirit gave me no choice in the matter. See, because in my head, in the flesh (which can be proud), I felt like I supposed have everything figured out that I should be able to go home and pray for everything, but instead, Holy Spirit had me step up. Funny thing was, those were the only words I received tonight, along with Begin (but I’ll discuss that in a moment) and so by the time I was there I was in tears I couldn’t take it anymore; the shame, the hurt, and lies, and it took two amazing ladies of God to speak over me, and stand in agreement with what God had already shown me. I’ll admit, I was slow to the plate but by the time I sat in the car to go home, complete clarity came over me, and I was slammed with joy and Holy Spirit BEGIN to speak into me. These words filled me and affirmed God’s Word.

Sometimes the enemy will come in and cloud what we know, that is why it is so important to be in the word and surround yourself by people who have a good relationship with God, this is to keep you on your feet for you cannot stand alone, we need the Word to help keep a foundation of Faith and Hope in God, and we need people of God with us to sometimes keep us on that foundation. I didn’t even realize the unforgiveness and I was carrying until tonight, unforgiveness to myself and to things by people that haven’t even happened (what the ham sandwich?!?!). I felt like I was making some wrong decisions, and maybe I was, but knowing that God could still use me, also God can still use my decisions to keep me on the path that He has shown me and has given me.

So I leave this with you, something to chew on. We are all in a different season in our relationship with God, I’m in a time where God is teaching me how to be a little, preparing me to be a light, not a face in the flesh but a light for Him. I am in a time of death to myself and my earthly needs, and fully submitting and surrendering under God‘s authority so I may walk his path to the fullest extent. This is why understand it is so important to be in the word because the enemy knows the word and sometimes we can be so discerning the enemy is actually acting as discernment and clouding our judgment or at least that’s what happened to me. The enemies made me feel like I was so unimportant and told me God wouldn’t ever talk to me, and I know that is false, for I do hear from God and I know his voice and I know what the Holy Spirit is inside of me. I know the power, I know I carry the power used through me. This power it creates an urgency inside me to study the word and to fully know the word so I may come back on the enemy again and tell him no, then shut him down and truly feel Jesus leading me. Tonight I witnessed that I am not alone and that sometimes I can’t just go home pray by myself, sometimes I need to be surrounded and supported. There’s no shame in asking for prayer, it used to be that even when I felt led to ask for prayer I would say no because I’m supposed to have this figured out. There is no shame, there is ever any shame with God.

Bible verses:

    Psalms 91

    John 10:10-11

    Matthew 5:16

    John 1:5

    Matthew 16:24-26

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Lessons Learned

Is he not my child too?

Facebook and other social media can be a great way to connect with people, long lost family, long distance friends, and what not. But it also a battle ground a battle ground of good and evil, and the enemy has been using it to create judgements, bitterness, and anger in us. It is a place where we tend to step out of God’s covering and become the dreaded “troll”.

I in the past have been known to do it, but it was something I have been working on with God for sometime, until a few weeks ago….

A former classmate from college and friend shared an interesting post for something horse related and so I screen shot the post, I thinking that this item would be cool to have at the barn and the guys I get to work with are so handy, anyways I knew Holy Spirit was telling me to scroll on but I didn’t, this little voice in my head was saying “Go ahead look at the comments”, just a note if you gut is telling you to move on, just do it.

So I opened the comments and I just HAD to reply to a comment with all my “budding knowledge” and so started a battle and this guy said some not so nice comments about me and my appearance. It hurt, I remember not saying anything bad about him in my comments, but man the anger and ill will I wished on him was so strong. I am not going to lie it kinda shook me the thoughts I was having.

You see I thought I was changing, that coming back to Colorado and being back with my church family was just what I needed, back at the place that made me happy, and it was but I still carried an obscene amount of bitterness.

After I decided the war was lost I sat on my bed defeated and wounded, I remember tearfully asking got to avenge me, to do something to this guy because “he didn’t know my story” and that is when God gently not so gently reprimanded me.

Loud and clear he said “Just because he hurt you doesn’t mean I will take your side, is he not my child too?”

I retorted back, “but he doesn’t know my story, my recent changes, my improvements, and success.

Your story isn’t for him, it would be like casting pearls before swine. You story is meant for someone but not him.”

“But Palms 91 you are supposed to cover me and protect me.”, I am practically whining at this point.

God throws back, “He is not the enemy, you know the true enemy, but this you choose to step out of my covering and open yourself up to hurt I was trying to protect you from.”

*Cue Holy Spirit giving me the I told you so face*

No matter the excuses I made in the days after, I was in the wrong, this complete stranger was just stating his opinion, and even with my cute little LOLs I was attacking his opinion with no right. There were many lessons to be learned from this one experience.

One:

Sometimes we step out and set ourselves up for these attacks and they become learning experiences.

2 Timothy 3:16

Two:

How am I to show love to my neighbor when I am attacking their own thoughts and beliefs? I cannot show the love of Jesus if I am trolling of FB.

John 13:34

1Peter 4:8

Romans 13:38

I could go on….

I moved on and even took a few days off Facebook to re-evaluate my true relationship with God and were my mindset really ways. I forgave him, or so I thought, the sting of his words still hung on me. Even if I didn’t think bad things about him, I still allowed those labels to attach to me.

After this, a couple weeks or so later was the Live to Love conference hosted by Iris Global was help in Loveland Colorado, and I tell you what, radical things happened in me, and I will have more about that later. However, now I try to remember the sting of words said by people in my past and nothing, I feel nothing. All I feel is Joy and love, well some days, there are moments I have to pray and ask God to help me move on from the meaningless labels the world tries to attach to me and thoughts that are not of God.

…. Changing my way of thinking; from a world way of thinking to a God way of thinking….

In the end though, this doesn’t come down to if this guy was right or wrong, it came down to the condition of my hearth and filling myself with the word and changing my thinking; from a world way of thinking to a God way of thinking. It is a challenge I face everyday, but the cool thing is if we take time to work on it WITH God everyday, we are free of it, and self control with kick in.

Now if you were to ask me if I love this guy, I would say yes, and probably more so because he, a stranger, taught me so much in where the condition of my heart and mind were in.

Forgive and Love guys, forgive and love.

Be free….

The Window

When one doors closes, another door opens…. OR does it?

So we always talk about being on God’s path, but what happens when we deviate from God’s plan? Do we get placed on a different path? Do we run in the other direction?What really happens? Many times I have asked this, and many times I have struggled with my relationship with God; and this was the revelation God gave me:

Here I am on God’s path, well maybe not exactly God’s path, it is like the side trail parallel to his path and this path is more like a hallway, but soon I come to a door. As I see this door I think of the phrase, ” when one door closes, another door opens”, so I open the door and see a room, a plain empty room with plain old walls. I step into the room, thinking this isn’t right I must have taken a wrong turn somewhere, because when we are on God’s path, there is a path, not a boring old room. So I turn around to go back out the the door and it slams shut.

Panicking I lunge for the door I grab the handle, the door is locked! Being the stubborn person I am, I turn the handle both ways again, jiggle it, push and pull, and pry it open. I even try the cartoon method of putting my feet on the door frame and pulling as hard as I can on the handle trick.

Nothing……..

Seeing red I look for ant other way out, and notice a window, I run for the big beautiful portal of freedom and try to open it but it maybe opens a few inches, enough to let a little air in. Well poop. That is when I see a wooden chair. Hmmmm, well in the movies… I think. Snatching the chair, I hurl it at the window like a WWE wrestler does, and all I get is a dull thud. Dang that is a sturdy chair and window. Not a crack in the window and the chair doesn’t even have a scratch. Checking the chair aside, I pace, made, upset, and hurt.

What happened?

What did I do wrong?

Why am I stuck here?

My anger turns, I become angry at God, blaming him for putting me in a stagnate place. Pacing still, I look like a caged wild lion from Africa. Pretty soon I start to fatigue, and look down at my Fitbit and seen I have paced A LOT. Sighing I turn around and pick up the chair, I sink into the chair. Sulking and back to the window, trying to ignore the breeze coming through. I hear a bird chirp and look over to the window, and that is when I see the most beautiful mountains.

Scooching the chair closer to the window, I see snow on the mountain, and cattle in the green valley below. Calves run round playing as their mother’s enjoy their grazing. The grass is so green, and the stream that runs through is so blue, the scene is so peaceful. I sit there admiring the beauty. It is quiet, just the sound of the wind in the trees and the quiet mooing of the cows calling their babies, and the occasion bird chirp comes through the window. It is so peaceful.

Not going to lie to myself, I am happy that old door is closed. Many, many things behind that door sucked, yes there were some good things and great people, but this plain room is relaxing, no turmoil, and the fresh air from the window is wonderful and empowering. Sighing in contentment, I lean back in the chair, and I find myself thanking God for the comfortable but solid chair.

Sitting there, I reflect on the things that made me fall off God’s path; the boys, the drinking, the partying, and the lies I told myself. In all that I remember some of my most favorite verses: Psalms 91, Psalms 51, John 10:14, all of Romans 8, Proverbs 21:31, and a few more. I start praying to Papa, just enjoying the time with him, resting and thanking Him for the quiet room with the window.

…… thankful for the plain old room, solid chair, and the beautiful window……

I become so wrapped up in all of this, I didn’t notice a new door on the opposite side of the room appearing. Then soon a I hear a click of a door latch and look over to see that new door. I tentatively look out the door unsure that I want to move on, I cant see what is ahead except for a small path surrounded by trees. ‘Do not fear for I am here, always’, the words surround me and gently push me out the door, but I realize I am recharged and ready. Ready for what ever is next and thankful for the plain old room, solid chair, and the beautiful window……

Wow, wow. Words cannot describe this revelation that God has given me, and has given me a new perspective on when I think my live has gone stagnant. So sometimes when one door closes, God doesn’t give you another door, sometimes he gives you a chair and a window.

-Write it Christian Girl

Love, Lust, and All Things Found

“I am a horrible Christian….”

This is the thought that has been crossing my mind for the last few weeks, I say weeks but in reality it has been going on for the last nine months. It has been a struggle I allowed myself to let the enemy lie to me, allowing me to feel something for someone(s) who I know wasn’t for me or in all brutal honesty even good for me. I lusted after someone who saw me as an object, I entered relationships to happen to only fill a void that they never could fill. The past 9 months were brutal, I kicked God aside and threw down my Spiritual armor, I did and said things that reminded me of the old Taylor before I rededicated my life to God and sought relationship with Jesus. I did thing, suggested things, said things that I am not proud if and feel guilty for, and had what felt like my heart getting ripped out, and wore the mask I once wore before.

I wish I could be witty and humorous, I wish this post wouldn’t have be so heavy, I wish I could be a better Christian, I wish I could go back and not share intimate things with men who was never mine or never going to be mine, I wish, I wish, I wish…… But here is the thing with wishes, they are fleeting and are far to many with no leg to stand on.

Lust is a tricky thing, because it can give you a false sense of hope…

I went back to a place that almost destroyed me, I went back cocky, arrogant, and foolish thinking I had it all figured out. If you noticed there is a whole big steaming piles of I’s in that. I went back and for a while I stayed in the word and went to church, and tried to stick with it. All was well, but then school, work, and wanting to fit in happened, the enemy’s lies happened. I quit going to church or if I did I made excuses why I didn’t like it there, I quit reading the Bible, and gave up my faith and hope, I lost my joy and felt lonely. I missed my church and church family, I missed my barn, my job, the horses, and I missed God. You would think I would have been smart and turned back to God but nope, I turned to boys to fill that void. I made comments of noncommittal stances and sought attention from any poor guy that I could use. Then I ended up being used. Lust is a tricky thing, because it can give you a false sense of hope, it makes you think that maybe something based off sin could become something more.

I thought maybe I could change him, that his very public crude view of women would change, but I was just an object to him, and something that was supposed to be black and white turned grey, and I finally snapped out of it and realized I am no longer that weak girl, who wears a mask. I realized that God placed me in a season to help me find myself and Jesus. See I lost myself down in Texas, and I though I lost Jesus, but in reality He was always there, I just placed him in my extremely full closet of baggage and ignored him. I changed in texas, I found my old self in Texas , I lost the scared lonely girl, and replaced her with the Woman of God I know and God knows I am. I gained amazing friendship that will last for the years to come, I gain a support group down there that helped me through some tough times, even if they didn’t know how much they helped me; they did, but in the end God saved me and reminded me.

Worthy.

Despite all my short comings I experienced, God still calls me worthy of his love. I went to Texas and sought after everyone’s approval, and tried to prove myself to the world. The kicker of it all is the only one that matters is God and we are already worthy and we already have his approval. The world and all it’s worldly things with just steal your joy and rob you of God’s truth and light, if you allow it. Things of this world if you allow it to will drag you down, but God will lift you up. WE. ARE. WORTHY. The enemy will use anything from this world to destroy you, but with the armor of God, the enemy has no power.

Remember you are worthy and loved.

Love you all, and it is great to be back!

New Writings and Ramblings

Hello world!

It feels like I have not done a post in forever, which is kinda true, but I have been working on a few writing peices that I was given from God. The following is a poem that came to me that I want to share with you all. Enjoy, love you all.

Why.

By Taylor 

Why.

Pain, gaping hole in my chest, torture,

All consuming, obtaining me

Screaming, dying, depressed unchecked

With my clinched fist, white knuckles

Gasping

Why God Why 

Bloodied nails, drowning, no light in sight

I am in a deep well treading water clawing the stone sides trying to climb out

But I am told there is not out

Screaming 

Why God Why

I am drowning in sorrows, turn to drink, turn to unGodly boys

The pain it hurts, scars on my heart 

In a black room, my tomb

Emptiness

Why God why

Life cycling downward 

Sickness, unhealing body, growing weak

Kept that fake smile, no one will see

Kept those fake friends, so I feel like I a relevant

Loneliness 

Why God Why

I placed him on a shelf, blocked him out

Still finding relationships with all the wrong guys

Trying to fill that hole on Jesus can fix

And still I scream

Why God Why

Big fights no end in sight, but there is an end 

A stranger whispers, end of me just take take drink with a few of those pills

I can’t fight this any more, depressed

Death

Why God Why

But then for first time I call out with a recklessness 

Save me from this pain I can’t do it without out you

Hope and Change, new places and faces

I blamed God for all me choices and things that happened 

Claiming he was never there 

But he was always there, 

He was there in front of me reaching out. Crying out.

Trying to place me back under His protection and I rejected Him.

I blamed God when I should have blamed the world

The world hurt me the enemy controls the worldly things distracting us, 

Lying to us, 

God never lied to me he gave a book full of his love and promises,

He gave me his Son so the sins no longer stain my white wedding dress

There Jesus stood eye to eye, with only love in those eyes

Never looking down on me, the world had it wrong.

His Grace, His Love. His Glory

And he asked “Will You follow me? “

“Yes, Yes, YES!” New heart with no scars beating violently in my chest

For I found no emptiness with my King

Relationship of a strong devotion. 

Happiness, Healing, accountability, never abandoned 

Love, a path of new beginnings. Amen

Silent Christian 

For awhile now I have been rolling around ideas in my head, wild thoughts I couldn’t seem to control. Bits and pieces that come to me from Holy Spirit and couldn’t seem to put them in order, I was growing rather impatient in what all it was coming down too, then I heard a song…

Sound of Silence, originally sung by Simon and Garfunkel, I heard the original before but recently on Facebook I listened to a vocals only version sung by the lead singer of Disterbed (a heavy metal band I like), so then I listened to their full cover of it and another cover of it done by a singer I never heard of, everytime I listen to this song I strikes a cord and I feel the spirit move. Here is the version I want you to hear:

Wow, right? 

The lyrics the level of truth written back in ’66.

“And in the naked light I saw

Ten thousand people, maybe more

People talking without speaking

People hearing without listening

People writing songs that voices never share

And no one dared

Disturb the sound of silence”

How silent are we on a day to say basis, how many times has someone tried to tell us something and we disregard it? How many times has God told us to do something and we don’t do it?
“Fools, said I, you do not know

Silence like a cancer grows

Hear my words that I might teach you

Take my arms that I might reach you

But my words, like silent raindrops fell

And echoed in the wells of silence
And the people bowed and prayed

To the neon god they made

And the sign flashed out its warning

In the words that it was forming

And the sign said, the words of the prophets are written on the subway walls

And tenement halls

And whispered in the sounds of silence”

How long will it be before our words will soon fall short of where they need to fall. How long before our words will be written and forgotten to those who really need them?

So many words of truth in one song that on any day wouldn’t be considered a Christian song at all. We are stuck in this age where our phones are attached to us and we rely on how many likes onFacebook determines how relevant we are in society. Hardest thing I see is when I go out and see how may people are seated or doing something with others and are looking at that screen. How detached from our surroundings we have come, that we won’t even make a phone call, we want everything to be all via text message. All these emojis, LOLs, and silent typing out something to express ourselves, we have forgotten to have a conversation. I have sad it , others have said it and now is the time to do it, it is time for a revolution. 

This revolution where we go out and talk with people, get to know them no screens, no texting, just face to face talking and sharing. People are crying out on the inside they are crying out or something, reaching for something, but the silence from us Christians is all to loud. There are some that are afraid and scared to reach out and break the silence, and I am all too guilty of that. Many times I would rather make a blog post that actually walk up to a person and tell them what God has given for me to share with them. 

How is it that a song wrote in the ’60s couldn’t be every more true about today? Why was God speaking to me through this song and why was Holy Spirit so moved? I love music, and though I many not be the greatest singer out there and lack in the instrument playing department, one place I love to be is in worship with God. When I turn on K-LOVE, one of my Pandora stations, or even just go over a worship song in my head, I feel just that more connected with God and find a level of Peace. Most times when I maintain this peace, I get a word: Revolution. 

We need a revolution. For I do not know how long now many times the word given to me by God is revolution. I know was I continue on my walk with God that I have seen revival and the hunger in many of my peers and younger kids in high school, this hunger for Jesus and God’s word. So where does revolution fit in. to be honest I do not know outright, but I know it has to do with us as Christians, to change the stigma of religion and breaking free from the Spirit of Religion and the focus of a relationship with God through Jesus Christ. 

I know I am bouncing around in my thoughts here, and I am just hoping that one how I do not come off as crazy, but maybe that is just what we need is a little bit of some crazy added in the mix of our Christianity so we can move forward and not grow stagnant in our relationship, so the sound of silence falls around us and us be ok with that. 2017 has already had a level of excitement for all of us and there has been a real shift in the world and I know many have felt it. It is our time to come together share words, visions, testimonies, and drown out the silence with our praise to God. 

Only in God will we drown out the silence that seeks to overcome us.

Speek up my brothers and sisters in Christ for we know the victory is won. 
Let’s Pray:

Father God, thank you for giving us a voice so we may share your word. Thank you for ears so we may hear others crying out in their silence. Mostly father thank you for your grace and mercy that will never cease to amaze us. Thank you Father and in Jesus’s name we ask that there be no silence the the air be filled with your truth and praises. All for you God, AMEN.