The thief comes to kill, steal, and destroy….
How can I question everything God has laid out for me? I wish it was a simple answer, but sometimes in a spiritual battle, it is never simple and definitely not easy. This all started last Saturday night at church when I received a word from God. Well, a few more than one honestly, from God to give to someone and instead of being obedient and giving it to that person I knew who to give it to, I panicked and gave it to another person so they could do it for me and in that instance the person did not receive that word at that moment because of my disobedience. Starting that night after church the enemy took advantage and place guilt, shame, and embarrassment, and placed lies in my head and when all that happened I tried to pick myself up, but I found myself throwing myself down instead with the image of not giving those words that persons directly, and it kept playing over and over and over again in my head. By now the enemy has filled me with so much regret and because of that I silence the Holy Spirit inside me for a week and with that silence happened bitterness, which rose up inside me with unforgiveness for wrongs that were not even happening to me but scenarios the enemy placed in my head and when that happened I fell into some old habits things that God knows and has forgiven me for, and have asked for His forgiveness. I held onto all of it all week until tonight, I listen to the wrong voice, and I knew I was in trouble, I knew the voice that was coming to me was not of God‘s because it became out of hate and distraction, this voice came to kill, steal, and destroy. All this came to happen because I allowed that torture to happen because I allowed those false tongues to speak, so I gave in to old bad habits and though I reached out to God, I never felt so far away from Jesus. Tonight I knew I couldn’t fight this battle alone and I stepped up for prayer.
So what happens when you know you’re in the right place in your heart with God yet, the enemy comes in at so fierce that you question everything? You think you are doing everything right reading your Bible, listening to worship music, reading good books, Christian Podcasts, not watching or reading anything that’s not of God, just trying to feed me spiritually; yet the enemy still comes in with such a ferocity that you feel as timid as a little mouse. So, that WAS me for over a week now.
The funny thing about complete surrender, things change and they change radically. This Saturday night, I was crying out God give me something let me know you’re there do you even see me. It took so much for me to step up and get that prayer my feet were obeying God, my mind was protesting, then the Holy Spirit gave me no choice in the matter. See, because in my head, in the flesh (which can be proud), I felt like I supposed have everything figured out that I should be able to go home and pray for everything, but instead, Holy Spirit had me step up. Funny thing was, those were the only words I received tonight, along with Begin (but I’ll discuss that in a moment) and so by the time I was there I was in tears I couldn’t take it anymore; the shame, the hurt, and lies, and it took two amazing ladies of God to speak over me, and stand in agreement with what God had already shown me. I’ll admit, I was slow to the plate but by the time I sat in the car to go home, complete clarity came over me, and I was slammed with joy and Holy Spirit BEGIN to speak into me. These words filled me and affirmed God’s Word.
Sometimes the enemy will come in and cloud what we know, that is why it is so important to be in the word and surround yourself by people who have a good relationship with God, this is to keep you on your feet for you cannot stand alone, we need the Word to help keep a foundation of Faith and Hope in God, and we need people of God with us to sometimes keep us on that foundation. I didn’t even realize the unforgiveness and I was carrying until tonight, unforgiveness to myself and to things by people that haven’t even happened (what the ham sandwich?!?!). I felt like I was making some wrong decisions, and maybe I was, but knowing that God could still use me, also God can still use my decisions to keep me on the path that He has shown me and has given me.
So I leave this with you, something to chew on. We are all in a different season in our relationship with God, I’m in a time where God is teaching me how to be a little, preparing me to be a light, not a face in the flesh but a light for Him. I am in a time of death to myself and my earthly needs, and fully submitting and surrendering under God‘s authority so I may walk his path to the fullest extent. This is why understand it is so important to be in the word because the enemy knows the word and sometimes we can be so discerning the enemy is actually acting as discernment and clouding our judgment or at least that’s what happened to me. The enemies made me feel like I was so unimportant and told me God wouldn’t ever talk to me, and I know that is false, for I do hear from God and I know his voice and I know what the Holy Spirit is inside of me. I know the power, I know I carry the power used through me. This power it creates an urgency inside me to study the word and to fully know the word so I may come back on the enemy again and tell him no, then shut him down and truly feel Jesus leading me. Tonight I witnessed that I am not alone and that sometimes I can’t just go home pray by myself, sometimes I need to be surrounded and supported. There’s no shame in asking for prayer, it used to be that even when I felt led to ask for prayer I would say no because I’m supposed to have this figured out. There is no shame, there is ever any shame with God.